I'm alright

I swear. Despite my lack of posting and my now regular appearance in the "Whines of Substance" award winner category at Phantom's, I'm doing okay. I swear. If I say it enough, then I will maybe even begin to believe it. Really.

In all seriousness, I do feel like the world is caving in on top of me in a lot of ways. Last night, I dreamt that I was having chemotherapy. Now, I'm not really sure how chemo works, but what was happening to me is that I was hooked up to a machine that shot medicine directly into my abdomen, and when that hit, I felt severe burning and nausea and an electric shock. It was horrible, and today, I've woken up with an upset stomach.

On Monday, I went to the doctor for the LEEP Cone Biopsy to be performed. As I sat, feet in stirrups, doctor fiddling around underneath, Mr. Mac held my hand and spoke soothingly to me. He also was watching what the doctor did, with a lot of interest. At one point, he made a horrible face, and I (stupidly) asked "What, honey?" He said "Well, this is just, ah, very interesting." On our way home, I asked him to explain what the face was for - he said "Well, they just took such a LARGE piece out of you. I expected it to be small, but it was as big as my THUMB!!"

I laughed. Then I said "Honey - next time, try to control the faces."

The worst part of the whole thing is that after they excised the precancerous lesion from my cervix, they had to cauterize the wound that was left. As in burn it so it would stop bleeding. And you could SMELL that going on. It was nasty, to say the least. And even now, there's an odor about my business that isn't right.

At the end of it all, I'm still job hunting. Nobody has called me about the jobs I've interviewed for, and there's really nothing doing as far as I can tell with anything else at the moment. It's horribly frustrating, and I'm having difficulty even keeping a positive attitude this week.

But, at the end, I look at the picture of my home-to-be. And I talk to my dearest husband. And I play wtih my adorable baby. And I talk to my sweet stepdaughter, and I'm alright. I keep the Jo Dee Messina song going through my head:

"It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in sight. so I guess I'm doin' alright!"

A-ha.