Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Breaking my heart into millions of pieces

I just read a recount of the horrific state of things in New Orleans. It said that there are "barefoot mothers holding naked, screaming babies". I had to stop and cry for a minute. I can't bear it when my Miss Baby cries for any reason at all, and I do my damndest to fix it immediately.

Imagine holding your starving, screaming baby - who is naked and filthy - and being completely unable to do anything about it.

Is good enough really good enough?

I just spent 90 minutes of my morning in a Leadership Learning Community meeting, where we talked about the differences in your perspective when you're truly "excellent" and when you're operating at a "competent" level. I took great affront to this notion that being "merely competent" was somehow good enough for day to day operations. Unfortunately, I think that's what is wrong with my company and with a lot of society. We don't want to exert the energy to be our very best each and every day. We will marvel at the freaks who do care enough, but when push comes to shove, we aren't willing to take the time to do it.

Gee. I wonder if the engineers responsible for the levee system in New Orleans said "Well, that'll hold on pretty much any average day. It's good enough." I'd wager so. Is that what we, as a society, accept now days?

Maybe I just desparately need to find a different job.

Fear

I have been genuinely afraid precisely 4 times in my adult life. Of these 4 times, two were weather-related events (a tornado in Dallas and Hurricane Charlie). I was also afraid when I had my wreck (a long story) outside Athens. And the 4th was on 9/11/01 (obvious).

Each of my fears - both the weather-related ones and the others - has to do with a sense of total helplessness. I am in a position that I can't control, and that I cannot avoid through actions of my own. It's horrible. That cold fear that grips your heart and makes you feel as though it may stop.

Weather fears are tops in my list right now. My sister-in-law came in for the big Luau Birthday celebration of my step-daughter's 8th birthday. She flew in from New Orleans.

I sat up with her Sunday night as she watched Katrina bear down upon her beloved home. I watched with her while she scanned the faces of the people streaming into the Superdome to see if any of her patients were there. There weren't, and she fears that some were killed if they stayed at their homes in the 9th Ward of the city.

Her patients are of the type that would rather stay and face a Category 5 hurricane than face the prospect of dealing with the police. I sat with her last night while she watched an internet feed of the local news, when they flew over her city. She broke down and cried when they flew over Chalmette, which was the location of the clinic where she was to begin working as a psychiatrist in another two weeks. She won't be needed there for a while - they are more worried about life and death right now. In two months, she'll be one of the most important figures in town.

Doing all this made me remember back a year, to August 14 of 2004. Charlie was down in the gulf and taking aim at Tampa. I was awake through most of the night (despite being 6 months pregnant) watching the weather channel. Mr. DMD had convinced me that it was fine to stay - it was only supposed to be a Category 2 storm, and we live 40+ miles inland. I remember the fear I felt when, at about 5 am, I heard airplanes flying overhead. One after the other. Very close together. It occurred to me that TIA was evacuating all vehicles, including all the Fed Ex planes there. And MacDill was evacuating everything. That's when the cold, dark fear hit me. This one was SERIOUS. I watched in horror as the Weather Channel showed the storm strengthen, and every jog to the "right" gave me a small sigh of relief.

I lived through Hurricane David's assault on the Georgia coast. We had some pecan trees split, and the construction of my aunt's house was hindered. But it wasn't bad. I've lived through tornadoes. Again, scary and a fairly significant danger.

The thing is, however, each of these things were over quickly. I faced the fear I had for a matter of minutes or hours. What I can't fathom is what people must fear now in New Oleans.

That palpable fear of desparation is something I don't really know. I can't imagine it. Sitting, in your attic, unable to crawl down out of it because there's water pooling on the floor of the attic it's so deep. Unable to get out any other way because you're sealed in. Like you're in a tomb. You're there because you couldn't afford to flee. Because you were unable to go to the shelter. If you did, the cops were there, and you'd be arrested for sure. No help in sight. I just can't imagine that kind of fear and isolation.

So I pray. A lot. I pray for the babies whose mommies are so desparate, they're looting the grocery stores for diapers and formula. I pray for those who can't escape. I pray for the people stuck in the Superdome in all that filth. For the people who have no way of figuring out where their house used to be, because every possible landmark was blown/washed away. I pray for the doctors who can't get back in to New Oleans to treat their patients who need them now more than anything. And I pray for the doctors who stayed behind, and now can't begin to cope with the demands on their expertise.

I've dealt with disaster before, but nothign like this one. This nation has not dealt with it in over a generation.

So I pray. It's the least I can do. God will help us heal again.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Is it just too much to ask?

I just want people to do the job(s) that they are paid to do. Is this too much to ask? Really? Whether it's my co-workers, my vendors or the people I have taking care of things at my house, I've had a RASH of people not doing what they are paid to do. I guess the argument could be made that by blogging away, I'm in the same category. But I *DO* get my job done. And well.
My yard man just called. He quit. No, the yard hasn't been mowed. He just up and quit on Friday, stranding me with a shaggy yard and a weekend ahead of me. No, we don't own a lawn mower - we don't have lawn equipment period outside my gardening implements. Ugh.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Dear Male Colleagues,

Two matters have been on my mind lately. You know who you are (even if you wouldn't ever read this blog because you fear the boss boss coming down on you for violating an internets policy).
First, I realize that pockets are very nifty creations, and that by placing all your spare change AND keys in them, you're able to carry everything you ever need in them (except a few things) with you all day long. And I suppose you may think it's very handy that I can hear you coming from around the corner and 20 feet away. However, did you ever stop to consider that each time others hear "chink-chink-chink" of you coming, they stop what they're doing and become annoyed? And less productive?
Second, I am very empathetic to the crises that arise from one's fingernails being overly long. Before you know it, you're clanking away on the keyboard and generally making rattling noises that can also be very distracting. However, have you ever stopped to think about the annoying noise made by the crush of fingernail clippers being used, in the cubicle next door? That it may be even more distracting than clacking fingernails? It is. Trust me.
These are but two small matters to you, I'm sure. However, to others, they are ways you intrude into our personal space on a daily basis. And I don't always like other people in my private space. Especially someone I didn't invite.
Thank you,
DMD
p.s. In the event that you, my boss' assistant, are reading this - I CAN hear when you are playing games on your computer or watching The Price is Right each time my boss steps away from her office. I don't have time to do this, often because I'm trying to find things you were supposed to file for me. Maybe we could split the difference?

Poor Miss Baby

My poor Miss Baby is ill. Well, not really ill as she is just feeling pathetic. You must understand that Miss Baby is generally a VERY happy baby. She is always giggling and laughing. See, every baby has its own distinctive "noise" that it makes. Miss Baby has a belly laugh that is hers. It's awesome. She also does the rolling D's, which is very funny as well. You know -- d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d done very fast (like the "rr" in Spanish).
Back to the point. Miss Baby is now very unhappy. She cries a lot. She doesn't want to be put down. Even when she goes to sleep in my lap, she wakes when I stand up to put her down. And did I mention she cries (or more accurately, SCREAMS) a lot? This is very much unlike her. There are no happy laughs. No d-d-d-d-d-d-ing in general. Just outright angry crying.
And I know why. I can see them peeking through the last little bit of skin on her bottom gums. They're definitely there, and breaking through. Invest in Oragel, folks.
To top it off, we're suffering from the next cold in the series that began approximately three days after I stopped giving her the "home brew" (as a friend calls it). Daycare plus no breastmilk opened up a world of illnesses that she faces. She's been on Xopenex twice for wheezing, and I'm a little worried that she could have asthmatic tendencies. But, probably not according to the Drs.
Of course, those parents of you out there know that there's a selfish reason why I'm upset that Miss Baby is not feeling well. She isn't sleeping like her normal self. She had the gall to take a nap at daycare yesterday, but then she really didn't sleep last night. She went down at 7:30 (an hour early but after screaming for a solid hour and a half AND refusing all food and bottle), and woke up at 10 demanding (duh!) food and bottle. Then at 1:30 or so, wanting oragel and tylenol I guess. Then again at 5:30, but at least relatively happy and wanting to play. Me, I'm not so playful. I'm bloody exhausted, and I'm sad Miss Baby is ill, and I'm crabby as all getout.
Anyway, that's off my chest. I'm trying not to use this space as a venting corner, but it's certainly turning out that way, isn't it?

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Another day, another dollar, right?

I hate Mondays. It means I have to send Miss Baby off to daycare instead of playing with her all day. It means that Mr. DMD begins his week of meetings every night. And it means I have to go to work.
But yesterday. Yesterday took the cake. I have long sworn that Tampa is the home to the wrost traffic known on this planet. Yes, folks, I know whereof I speak, as I've spent time in Atlanta, Dallas and Washington, driving about in rush hours. Tampa takes the cake. It's not that we have these massive commutes - they're just inordinately LONG for the length of the travel. On top of that, Florida drivers are the absolute worst out there especially in terms of "road manners". Between the "snowbirds" and retirees, and then the horribly rude people (not necessarily Yankees, I've learned).... Anyway, on top of that, Tampa and Hillsborough County also seem to be oblivious to synchronizing traffic lights (outside downtown Tampa). Another annoyance most days.
Yesterday (yeah, back to that) was awful. To begin with, my boss decided to have a little "coaching session" (love those) at 4:00 that afternoon. Said she only needed half an hour, which is fine. That meant I could still be out around 4:30 and well on my way to get Miss Baby. Well, a fire alarm and LOONG discussion later, I'm out the door at 5:40. This is VERY late, and I've got 50 minutes to cover the 9 miles between my office and the Baby School. Shouldn't be a problem right? I need to average under 15 mph to get there in time.
HAHA, fool! Them Traffic Gods do smite, I tell ya. I get up the big road I travel (Dale Mabry - you can't get anywhere in Tampa without hitting Dale Mabry it seems!), then I get off at a smaller road. I am now committed to this road and I stop. It's about 6:10 now, and I'm less than two miles from the Baby School. And I wait. At 6:25, it occurs to me that I've moved approximately two car lengths in the last 15 minutes, and I'm not going ANYWHERE anytime soon.
I call the Baby School, frantic! Fortunately, one of the caregivers offered to take Miss Baby to her home (not far from me). Thank goodness they have spare car seats. At 7:15, I finally get to her sitter's home to pick her up. By this point, I'm 45 minutes late for my meeting that was supposed to begin at 6:30. Miss Baby is now over an hour past her dinnertime. We finally get home at 7:30 (and by this point Miss Baby is SCREAMING). She won't eat her food, she's so hungry, so we go straight for the bottle.
At any rate, all of this adds up to the fact that I will not be leaving this officeplace later than 5:15 any more. I am not going to be deprived of my time with my Miss Baby any more. Especially not for a "coaching session". Ugh!
And Mr. DMD? He was at the local Democrats meeting last night. And I thought *I* had a frustrating evening....

Friday, August 12, 2005

Weight Watchers

One bad thing about having Miss Baby is that she left something of herself behind. Or so it seems. I weigh more now than before she came into being, and we'll just let that be that. So, like all good new mommies, I'm off to Weight Watchers. Every week. Since June 6.
Bah. I gained a pound and a half this week.

History Lesson (AKA Why this Blog?)

A little more about me - My stepdaughter is 8 this month, and my daughter just passed the 7 month mark. I work for a large publishing company in its fulfillment operation. Yeah, I help you receive your junk mail. You can thank me any time. My husband is a computer geek, and given the job prospects in that field, he's heading back to law school in another year. So I'm about to be a single mom (I, too, went to law school, so I know the life he's about to start living!).

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

My Blog

I've chosen to put forth a blog, somewhat anonymously. My identity would be fairly easy to uncover, though, so I guess I should have been more clever about my blog name and such. Oh well, such is the life.
I've found that things in life frustrate me greatly. I'm going to use this particular blogspace to vent sometimes. I've also found that things in my life can overjoy me immensely. And I'll blog about those too. I'll likely touch on college sports, politics, law, religion, and interpersonal relationships. Also work. So hello Bloggerland! Pleased to meet you! :-)