31 days and counting

As I sit here today, in agony from the aching, stretched abdominal muscles and skin, in pain from the recurrent sinus infection, and immobilized by my bloated feet and ankles, I look back on this pregnancy fondly. It's really not been a bad one by most measures - sure, I'm uncomfortable, but I just passed the 35 week mark. I can't believe that in just over 4 weeks, it will all be over, and I will move into a new phase of my life.

Knowing that this pregnancy is my last is comforting to me. I don't like being pregnant at all - the restrictions, the discomfort, the way I'm treated like an invalid by some people and by others - that they don't 'get' that I can't just bend over and pick something up off the ground. It's a difficult place to be - I'm not independent at all. There is a living being inside me who is solely dependent upon me for everything right now. The air I breathe, the stress I feel, the food I eat - everything is passed along to the little girl growing within, and that's empowering on the one hand, and stressful on the other.

At the same time, knowing that after another month, I will never feel the flutter of little feet in my belly is a little sad for me. Don't get me wrong - I'm not questioning my decision to be done. First, I'm just too old to do this again in another couple of years. Second, I don't think that I am capable of rearing any additional children effectively. These are personal decisions, based upon my understanding of my own limitations.

So, for now, I sit and wait and wonder if everything will be okay. Sometimes I fear that I will die in the OR during the c-section, or that something horrible will be wrong with the baby when she's born. But mostly, I just get anxious - what will she look like? What kind of personality will she have?

How on EARTH am I supposed to complete this to-do list of mine in the next 31 days?