Tiresome

I'm so sick and tired of doing things that I do to keep from dealing with any level of confrontation with those People I Just Can't Stand.

Today, I brought a stunning ham in to the office for our office Thanksgiving celebration. It's beautiful. It spent hours being smoked, and then glazed, and now I'll spend another bit of time preparing it to go on the tray with the necessary garnish. And you know what? Nobody will say a thing - nothing.

I do this. I create things to impress people. It's a part of my insecurity that drives me to this. I'm so insecure that I work constantly to create an image of this together woman who has it all - a good job, husband and family. I strive to keep my house in some semblance of order (though I'm failing right now with boxes strewn about and all sorts of baby toys stuffed into every nook and cranny - she seriously squirrels away toys to find later).

I do it with Christmas Gifts. I strive to buy The Perfect Gift for everyone on my list, small though it may be. I fret over what each person would want. My sister in law has asked for 'artwork' done by the girls. I don't know what to do with this request - I mean, doesn't she want me to go *buy* something for her?! What do I do??

I don't know. I think that I'm so concerned with what other people think about me that I don't know what I think about myself.

I'm just having a difficult time of it all right now - I'm facing rejection in the office (I can't apply for my boss' job because I haven't served time in NY). I'm facing a move back home, which I know will be perceived as a failure by some (who really don't matter, but still I care! AGH!). I'm facing 3 years of seeing my husband on weekends and in the summers. And finally, I'm facing the fact that I'm turning 35 with a life that is VERY different from what I ever expected to have.

Rationally, I know all of this is normal, but in the deep dark of night when I can't sleep, I get very upset. And I have a knot in the back of my head that hurts from stressing. And my stomach is bothering me. I'm just a mess.

I hope (DEARLY HOPE) that I can resolve some of these issues over Thanksgiving. Face the reality of moving to the Farm for once and for all, and figure out if that's the right way to go.

So I continue to be tired. Foolishly tired. Selfishly tired. It's not as if it's for a good reason - I'm just plain exhausted of being me, and I just want it all to stop.