Who am I?

My "Girls Weekend" was wonderful. I truly enjoyed spending time with my mom and sister, and also with other people from Home. It's amazing, coming from a small town, how powerful the "Home" connection really is.

Several wonderful things happened over this weekend. Truly awesome and incredible. First, and foremost, there was the conference we attended. As I had hoped, this was more about spirituality and less about politics. Beth delved into the notion of a generational identity, and how God "names" each generation. She asked us "What is the name by which we want this generation to be called?" It's an important question.

I take that down to a personal level - what is my legacy? What do I want to leave to Miss Baby and beyond? Where is my impact going to be? In all of these areas, I have to set levels appropriately for who I am, where I've been, and what I've already done. In addition, I have to ensure that I'm taking on the proper role in my family's life. I have concentrated, in the last year, on being wife and mother, and manager of the household. I've put my career on the back burner, and that's certainly forgivable. Now, I have to decide if this is what I want to continue - wife and mother before DevilMacDawg.

Some people say that "wife and mother" should be first and foremost. I don't feel that way. What I believe is that "wife and mother" are not as much roles that I play, but they are just part of being who I am. It's not something requiring focus, front and center. In that respect, I think I've been dishonest with myself about what I want - by putting the "wife and mother" role in front of all else, I've put too much pressure on myself to perform. I've made it hard. And it shouldn't be.

On the other hand, work has got to be important to me going forward. I'm moving into a time where I'm going to be the sole providor for my family. My husband may, if we're lucky, contribute something beginning in another year. However, even then, it won't be that much. So my career has to be important, from a financial standpoint.

In addition, however, my career is important to me. In working this shit job that I've had since 2001, I've allowed myself to be beaten down. I've begun to think "well, maybe I *should* stay at home with the kids." And that's just a lie - it's not me, and it's not what I want. It wouldn't be, very honestly, fair to my children.

Please note - this is not meant as a negative comment, in any way, to anyone who HAS made that decision. We each choose what is appropriate for our own circumstances. I'm saying it's not right for me. Taking it a step further, it's not right for me to expect that my career is going to play second fiddle to the rest of my life.

I am on the brink - I feel it. I'm about to break out of where I have been confined. I put it in front of myself that I will not be in this mauve and grey box much longer. I won't have to deal with the petty infighting that goes on here. I'm moving on to a place where people appreciate what I've accomplished and don't hold my background against me.

I know this is going to happen because I have prayed over it, and I continue doing so. I am being directed in this way by a higher power. I am also regaining my confidence and beginning to feel so much better about myself. And I know it will happen because I feel it in my bones as surely as I've ever felt anything. I've taken ownership over my life, for the first time in a while.

It's time, and it's the right thing. And it's the how I wish to be known.